It’s Monday morning. Today I woke up knowing I had two more days off before I’m back to work on Wednesday. My work schedule is erratic; half of it is ‘live’ in-person, and the other half consists of writing reports which I do in my own time.
Right now I’m thinking about and reflecting on two things:
- A – how to live an inspired life when you don’t feel inspired by your current circumstances
- B – the feeling of dread/nervousness/anxiousness in my solar plexus that has returned
The dread tells me I’ve done something wrong, and the yearning to live each day like I’m on vacation wants to bypass that dread and release any and all forms of responsibility and accountability. It feels like I’m in transference (need motivation to dumb fear) and distraction (power view to taking everything very personally) – I probably am.
I see both, and I see their story as a coping mechanism and marker that I’m in D & T. I can feel that my nervous system is off-kilter, so when I wrap up here I will do some passive activity as it helps my brain straighten out (I am 3 parts right with an active body).
Both of these parts, A: escapism & B: fear, carry wisdom and a message to be heard and allowed. However, sliding too far to one side and identifying with the feeling that provokes the mental story is where we start to get stuck.
My Cross in Human Design is the Right Angle Cross of Eden. This Cross is about pleasure, and finding that garden of Eden here on earth. Often for us Eden people, something happens in our younger years that throws us from the blissful cradle into the reality and messiness of life. For me, that is true, but it’s also true that most days, especially days like today, that life in general feels full of friction (Personality Sun in Gate 6, Conflict/Friction, open root).
In the past I knew no different than to identify with what I felt, good or bad. What’s starting to emerge now is that it’s not just the bad feelings I need to witness mentally, but also the good feelings.
This is not apathy, but being the passive observer and bystander of your life and body as it unfolds in front of you. The difference is that instead of being right “IN” your emotion or feeling, you are standing beside it. You are witness to the happy mood, enjoying the moment, or you are witness to the dread or sadness, and holding space for yourself through that.
Self-identification, regardless of whether your G Centre is defined, is the mental trip. We are more than the mind sees; emotions are ever-changing, and we really are quite helpless to the ebbs and flows of life.
Later that same day…
I’ve done a couple hours of gardening work and eaten some lunch/brunch (it’s 1:20pm and my first meal of the day – french toast). I’m reviewing this article, curious to see how my perspective has changed relating to the two things I mentioned at the start of this essay around seeking a feeling of perpetual vacationing, and the dread/angst in my solar plexus.
It doesn’t feel like I’m in the big T or D anymore, but I am a little fatigued. I feel like walking to the shops for milk, chocolate, cheese, and crackers. Maybe a roast chook. So it seems the reports will have to be written tomorrow.
It’s quite a thing, getting used to having limited energy, living alone, and also not having a fixed schedule. Although my mind likes to make it a game to see ‘how’ to find balance in my life that will last until I die, I’m learning that as a receptive and passive being with an open Ajna, that kind of certainty and strategy just isn’t how I’m here to be.
Maybe it is just day to day, doing what I need, not planning, seeing what energy arrives for what, and pausing everything if I’m in T & D to do some mindless activity, until I’m out of it. And so on and so forth. I’m sure that’s the Way, how else can it be? The mind will, hopefully, eventually, catch up.
Until next time 🙂
