The Story of My Life: Fat 🫣

I realised the other day that in the past, I coupled a belief that I would never be able to live my life to its fullest potential, if – 

I remain fat. (what actually is fat BTW? It’s one of those ambiguous descriptors that needs its own air time)

I know exactly when that ember sparked into a dumpster fire fueled by shame, guilt, and fear. My father said to me in my late teens or mid 20s that I won’t have as many male partners to choose from if I’m fat. And I suppose that since my Personality Sun is in Gate 6 (bringing a preoccupation with sex and intimacy) in the Quarter of Duality (purpose fulfilled through bonding), it’s understandable why that projection really stuck on me.

At first I was like “fuck you” (not in so many words), which is the correct response. 

But, my father’s statement is not wrong. He’s right to say that people have their preferences and that the world does generally look down on fatter people (thank you to everyone challenging this norm!), however his assessment of my ‘situation’ is just a sliver of the fuller meaning of that kind of perspective. I’ll show you –

I also won’t have as many male partners to choose from if I:

• Shave my head 
• Dress poorly
• Don’t ‘maintain’ myself
• Turn into a lesbian
• Make it widely known that I believe most men well into their 30s and 40s, and even 50s, sadly, are still man-babies (I love silliness and young at heart but I can’t take emotional retardation. We’re all hurt in some way; yes men have had a rough trot, but so have women, so figure it out)
• Live in the wrong place 
• Never go out
• Don’t actually want a partner (but of course I do)
• Project any sense of my own unlovability onto potential partners because of my body

I know my father meant well and that he has my best interests at heart. Relationships with parents are complicated. 

Not long ago, I spoke out about ‘no longer apologising for being in a bigger body’. I thought I was referring to society’s projections as a whole. 

But now I realise that I actually wanted to stop apologising for myself, to myself. 

Shame: “I am bad.” Guilt: “I do bad things.” 

~~

I strongly value living a fulfilled and purposeful life. Perhaps that is my ‘Eden’. 

When I try to dip beneath the surface to define what I mean by ‘my fullest potential’, the mind goes blank. That’s when I saw the unhelpful coupling of:

-living up to my fullest potential (what does this even mean?)
-which will be impeded if I stay fat (guiltguiltguiltguiltguilt)

I have carried this confusion in my subconscious for quite some time, and only time, patience, and care will unravel and reveal its gifts.

It’s interesting to note that the words ‘carry’ ‘carried’ ‘carrying’ have the word ‘care’ in them. I like this notion of carrying care and patience for oneself. It’s different than love and compassion as I see the latter two as being things we embody; but, care and patience we must practice. We must remember to unpack them from our rucksack in times of difficulty and change. 

My view is that it’s the aura that carries and translates the physical and cognitive experience of the body for others to sense. The aura is like some high-tech translation device that manipulates how the body and mind of the other person are perceived. 

With that in mind, perhaps we put too much emphasis on what we can see, and not enough emphasis on what we can feel. 

As a Projector, I live in the subtle energetic realms. I am genuinely excited to be sitting on this next door step, waiting and seeing what is behind the next door. The doorway is not a new story, but an expanded version of the same story: the story of my life.