How I Actually Overcame My Eating Disorder

About 18mths ago I heard a particular phrase for the first time, and it sparked some of the most impactful change I’ve experienced in my life so far. 

The phrase is simply,

“It’s safe to feel.”

I noticed my body’s contraction when the course facilitator, Aurika Valan, said it over and over again… but the contraction was mixed with relief.  

After practicing the whole “it’s safe to feel” thing for about a year, the Universe then introduced me to Zen Buddhism & the Tao. 

It was through a wonderful, soft, kind, gentle man who was very dedicated to the Zen path.  He was so steady & solid within himself, which made me feel so crazy in my own self sometimes! 

But when I’d spiral and feel things that felt really scary or wrong or inconvenient to me, he’d gently reply that my feelings were valid.  They are OK, it’s OK to have feelings.  There was no shaming, no avoidance, no discomfort, and no trying to fix or change anything.

Buddhism also talks a lot about thoughts and the mind, and how to detach from them. 

So through practicing the allowance of my feelings, I also started learning the art of detachment.  And thusly, more effective, efficient emotional processing techniques that really worked for me.  

I used to get so wrapped up in my mind – I’d have a bad feeling, which would trigger a self-deprecating thought, and round and round we go… 

Now I’m better at just feeling the feeling, and seeing what my body needs in that moment to ‘unlock’ the anxiousness/suffering.  And I no longer believe the negative thought patterns.

This is SO life changing, I’m blowing myself away!

And the unexpected side bonus ~

It’s been over a month with no binging on food to numb out.  

It’s slowly started to click into place –

If I can feel hard feelings, that means I can also work with my sugar cravings & food tendencies in new ways.

I have done ALL the things to try and stop my sugar addiction / binge eating behaviours – which have been present my entire life.  Since about age 7.  

Diets obvs.  Weight-loss coaching.  Numerous gyms and boot camps.  Therapists.  Overeaters Anonymous.  +++++ 

If you’ve been there too, you know exactly what I’m talking about, and how painful it is to think that maybe you’ll never figure it out.

What I’ve come to learn is –

In repressing our emotions most of our lives, we’ve missed out on learning how to feel a full range of emotions – the good, bad, and the ugly. 

So it makes sense that when overwhelming emotions come up – like frustration, bitterness, anger, boredom, agitation, restlessness – and we can’t deal with feeling those uncomfortable feelings – we reach for our favourite numbing agent and slip back into blissful, non-feeling oblivion.

Here are the TOP 4 things that have finally gotten me to a place where I feel CONFIDENT in my ability to exist without an eating disorder:

1. Learning to feel hard feelings, sit in discomfort, and process emotions in a healthy way
2. Identifying my core beliefs and rewriting my inner self-hate narratives
3. Finding a compassionate accountability buddy I can text every night – “no binging!”
4. Crossing off each day on the calendar if I’ve made it through without binging

Number 4 was huge for me – and it’s so simple!  I’d fall into the time lapse tunnels and not know how long I’d been in a binging cycle for.  But when I started crossing – or not crossing – the days off on the calendar – I couldn’t live in denial any longer.

Losing weight is not the end goal here.  I just couldn’t handle the cycles of folding and numbing out.  I always felt pretty good in myself – until I caught a glimpse in the mirror!  And when I separated out the eating disorder from how my body looked – things started untangling in my brain.

While I do spirited coaching & mentorship, I’m not selling a weight-loss program here.  I am just sharing a story of the things that have catalysed deep change in me, to hopefully inspire you to know that it is possible to change deeply engrained patterns & behaviours.  No matter how much hope you’ve lost over the years.

Change can take a lot of work and devotion to yourself.  A commitment to no longer abandon yourself, and a knowing that you’re worth it and you can do hard things.

I welcome your feedback, insights and comments.

Nicola Henderson
nicola@nicolahenderson.co
www.nicolahenderson.co
IG: @nicolahendersonco

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